Land of Bilk and Money
We take a road trip to look at property. Are strange things afoot at the Circle K?
Kitten and I spent almost six hours on (and off) the road yesterday as we drove around the greater non-Philadelphia region to look at six rural properties.
We decided to start with the most faraway of them all, and shot up Swamp Road to 309, to take that to 78—
—and eventually arrived in the backwoods of Kutztown almost two hours later...
But, a few minutes later, we had arrived at Destination #1...
Our next stop was a little ways away in Birdsboro; so, we got to enjoy some lovely rural scenery, but we also realized we were starting to crave some lunch.
When we made it to the roundabout in Fleetwood, our prayers were answered...
Holy Sheetz; I couldn't believe it!
We'd inadvertently stumbled upon the same Sheetz that my old friend Joe and I used to drive up to just for fun in the middle of the night about a decade ago.
And now, my wife and I were out here looking at property.
I felt like such a grown-up... I couldn't wait to go inside and order some chicken nuggets and a cake-batter milkshake like an absolute five-year-old.
Alas, there was already a forever-five-year-old in the store...
Tantrum Tara here was miffed that the girl behind the counter wouldn't give her a heavy-duty "milkshake straw" for her cup of soda. She just kept getting more and more heated—stomping her foot, whining to her husband Bubba, and really just... wigging out (get it?) about having to settle for a "normal" straw.
(And to think, Athennia and I initially thought the word "brekki" was the funniest thing we'd encounter in the store!)
The food was decent, although I didn't realize that the so-called "habanera" sauce I had them put on my burrito was basically going to taste like straight vinegar.
If I'd known it was basically just Frank's Hot Sauce, I would've had you throw on a bunch of jalapeños instead.
Soon enough, we were back on the road once again...
"Here be tractors!" the signage warned... and it wasn't kidding!
20 minutes later, we arrived at Destination #2; BUT...
...Before we continue, I'll ask you to recall your playground days back in, like, the second grade... when kids would turn positively everything into a competition, and then try to make themselves feel better about losing, by insisting that...
First is the worst.
Second is the best.
Third is the one with the hairy chest!
Right?
So, our itinerary turned that sentiment on its head a bit. We ended up with something more like,
First is the furthest.
Second is asbestos.
Third is absurd; there are no words. What a turd.
And so, here we were—taking a Number-Two in Asbestosville...
I thought that should count for something, but Kitten was unimpressed.
Obviously, we knew the condition of this house beforehand—just like we knew that the landscape slopes upward quite drastically just a little ways behind the house.
I looked at it as, "We'll have two and a half acres of flat, usable land, and another four or five acres of forested mountainside behind us as a buffer in case Tantrum Tara ever tries to move in somewhere nearby."
But, Athennia didn't want to be on the hook for having to demo an asbestos house... nor was I too keen on that idea either. (I reached out for a few ballpark quotes nearly two months ago and never heard back—which probably isn't a promising sign.)
And so, onward we went...
Destination #3, in Boyertown, was such utter trash that I refused to even take a picture of it: The allegedly "professionally re-graded" and "mostly flat" 2.3 acres were more like a BMX playground of hills, valleys, and moguls... I honestly would've assumed we were at the wrong location entirely, if not for the fact that I recognized the house across the street from the research I had conducted online last month.
What a disappointment.
At least we got this awesome view on the way out...
Next up was Destination #4—also in Boyertown, and mere minutes away from the "mostly flat" mountainside we'd just visited.
I personally had had high hopes for this one: 2.4 acres of open land, just ready for us to grab it... as long as the slope wasn't too steep to be an issue.
Meh.
It actually looks spectacular from this angle; but, from the cross-street (over by those trees on the right), that "slight" incline off to the left looks a lot worse than it does from here... as does the low point out in the middle.
This isn't an absolute no just yet, but we've definitely shifted it down a few slots on our list. The Kutztown lot may only be half the size, but it's flat and already has utilities installed.
Onward we went... and finally arrived at a Circle-K, which was about as disappointing as most of the properties had been...
No sign of Bill and Ted—or even Jay and Silent Bob—nor did we see George Carlin arrive in a time-traveling telephone booth.
Destination #5 was in Harleysville, and this had been Athennia's front runner going into the trip...
Don't worry: the orange fencing isn't a toxic waste spill; it's just marking the proposed area for the septic system's drain field.
Unfortunately, having seen in person now, I think this whole property belongs in a septic tank. This was supposed to be number 5... Why are all these lots just more number twos?!
The main problem with this property is that it sits on a corner of an X-shaped intersection; and, with zoning restrictions being what they are, we'd be losing so much area after factoring in 25- to 30-foot setbacks from both streets and the neighbor's property, that the building envelope is virtually nonexistent.
...And the township would most likely insist that there's not enough room to put a 1,900 sqft. rancher on it!
Even if we did manage to get a variance for the house, we'd be stuck installing the septic system smack in the middle of the lot. (You need to be at least 100 feet away from any wells—which would of course include the neighbors' existing well and our proposed well—so, there's really no other place for it.)
And as a perverse "bonus," that three-bay garage/shed (which would actually be pretty helpful, since we'll need somewhere to store our lawnmower, bicycles, et cetera) would need to be demolished just to free up enough of an impervious-surface percentage to get the house approved in the first place.
And, even then, the township would still put us on the hook for stormwater management, and the neighbors want a 10-foot easement for their driveway (since they somehow got to build their house right on the property line, setbacks be damned). These would both, of course, detract further from the usable space; and so, a 1.38-acre lot quickly dwindles down to about 10 square feet left over to grow vegetables and eventually have chickens.
Harleysville?! More like Hardly-sville.
For the record though, we managed to get in touch with a woman named Diana who lives across the street, and she was super pleasant and helpful—even as she felt like she was being no help at all.
We would've loved to have you as a neighbor; but, it doesn't look like that's in the cards :(
Finally, we hit Destination #6 in Silverdale—which, like #3, was such trash that I again didn't even bother with taking pictures.
It was more than an acre, but too long and skinny for our liking—and potentially complicated by a stream on one side and a pesky slope on the other. (I suspect we'd be out of budget and dead in the water by the time we got through with stormwater management and approval and installation of a septic system.)
Hard pass.
But, the trip had certainly brought us more clarity than someone had had when naming this street...
In an unexpected turn of events, our "last resort" in Kutztown had suddenly become our first pick! (Our realtor returns from vacation on Monday, and I will be obnoxiously blowing up his phone at 5:30 A.M. to discuss proceeding forward.)
On our way home, I found out that Kelly, Steve, and the girls were at my parents' house; so, I figured we might as well stop by to give everyone an update at the same time...
"Picture a toilet. But there are five properties in it."
We were getting hungry again by this point; so, we stopped at Gianni's in Richboro to grab cheese steaks for ourselves and Riley... and then we made an impromptu stop at Dairy Queen to grab some Blizzards as well.
(You know... Gotta try to hit all the food groups for a complete meal. And, most cheese steaks don't have any actual ice cream in them.)
Aaaand, just like at the end of our last road trip, we finally pulled into our parking lot safely and soundly... only to have Athennia's Check Engine light come on once again!
What a wonderful cherry on top of the rest of the day!
Athennia ran down to AutoZone after dinner and borrowed their scanner to confirm that it's an O2 sensor—though we don't know yet whether it's the one she just had replaced last month, or the other one.
We'll certainly keep you posted, because nothing's quite so blog-worthy as automotive maintenance and repairs ;)