Lock, Stock, and Barrel
Takin' names and... spendin' cash.
Lock[ed in]
After much deliberation (and so many iterations that I've lost count), I managed to finalize a roster of woodworking tools last week; and Joe and I pulled the trigger on ordering those the evening of November 17th.
Finding myself walking the tightrope between budgetary limits and a desire for quality, I basically ended up selecting an entire rainbow of tools...
I guess that means we'll absolutely still need to grab something from Ridgid (orange), Kobalt (blue), and maybe throw in some of that Makita turquoise for effect to complete the whole color spectrum.
...So, when everything arrives, anyone watching us from space will think our workspace is a gay pride parade.
Lock [and Load]
My initial plan was to go all-in on Ryobi's 18-volt battery platform... And that still more or less is the plan in time, except that I had enough people advise me to steer clear of Ryobi's cordless table saw and miter saw for making precision cuts for woodworking purposes.
So, I got a corded Ryobi miter (and it's way more massive than their cordless version); and I outsourced the table saw to a well-reviewed DeWalt compact model.
My first pick for a planer would have been a DeWalt model also; but my second pick was the Craftsman, currently on sale for just over $300, versus DeWalt's $750 price tag.
As for everything else? I'm gonna be another Ryobi schmuck:
I already grabbed an angle grinder and a few of their higher-end batteries; and I'll definitely be grabbing their cordless router, their jigsaw, a brad nailer, and a few other things in time.
My research indicates that their entry-level brushed-motor tools are where most of the "Ryobi hate" comes from; so I'm spending a little more for their high-performance brushless line of tools, and I'm not anticipating any disappointment.
I would like to grab a jointer at some point as well; but jointers get very pricey very quickly, and I'd rather wait until I can afford a decent one than grab some cheap dinky piece of crap that I'm just going to outgrow.
For the time being, it'll be easy enough for us to get by without one, using a jointer sled with our planer, and a taper jig with our table saw.
[Fully] Stock[ed]
For once in the history of corporate ETAs, Home Depot actually managed to have my order ready within the promised two-day window; and so, on Wednesday the 19th, Joe and I picked up the miter saw and the table saw and then went back to his place to clean out his sunroom and create a staging area for all this stuff.
Meanwhile, the planer was coming from Amazon; and their usual M.O. is to call me about every little package they bring me, just to tell me (with utter surprise in their voices) that the front door to our building is locked.
That normally goes something like this...
And it's just a six-pack of new socks; so you can go ahead and just leave that right out on the porch. Please and thank you."
So, when it's a $10 package of socks? Give the customer a phone call and act affronted by the fact that you couldn't get all the way inside the building to hand it to them personally.
But, when it's a $300+ planer?
Well, procedure changes just ever so slightly: You sneak in, dump that shit on the doorstep, run for your life back to the van, and get out of there like you're on the last chopper out of Vietnam.
Being half an hour away at Joe's, my best bet was to call Riley...
70-pound electric planers are like catnip to porch pirates.
Somehow she found a way to do it!
And then I was able to just pop that bad boy right into Joe's van later that evening when Kitten decided that we should have him and Paula over for chicken and gnocchi soup.
The morning of Thursday the 20th, Kitten snapped this picture of our first frost...
It's about time: I've been waiting for this since like May!
This means we're gonna see a lot of our neighbors scrounging in the weeds for acorns for the next few weeks, and then they'll all disappear into their lairs for the winter.
I, for one, can't wait!
Barrel of Crackers
On Friday, I got a call that Amazon was downstairs and couldn't get in the building.
Had I ordered another expensive power tool, they probably would have just hurled it in my general direction like a newspaper as they drove by at 40 miles an hour.
But, not today! This was a $5.49 roll of wrapping paper; so the delivery guy was going to slip on his white gloves and gingerly walk that precious heirloom up the stairs and directly into my arms... or die trying.
Later that evening, Paula wanted to take all of us out to dinner at Cracker Barrel.
The hostess asked us how many...
Then she called us on it!
And then she showed us to our table.
Thank God we hadn't come on Tuesday: Joe and Paula are Muslim on Tuesdays.
I was almost tempted to splurge for some "toilet cream" to try to reverse that unfortunate scalp disease known as baldness; but then I figured, with my luck, I'd probably use it wrong and end up like Joe Pesci in Home Alone 2...
After dinner, Kitten shuttled Riley back to Morrisville for a sleepover she'd had planned with her friend Kassie...
But, Kassie's parents being the quasi-abusive, emotionally-bankrupt fucktwins that they are, it turned out that her mom had pulled a bait-and-switch and conned Kassie into cleaning the bathroom, only to then renege on letting Riley come over.
So, Riley stayed home and the girls did the next best thing and played video games together over the internet; and Kitten raced all the way back to Somerton to have coffee and pumpkin pie for dessert with Joe and Paula.
Barrel of Monkeys
Kassie's parents did miraculously let the girls hang out Saturday instead; and Riley slept over that evening into Sunday.
Saturday and Sunday passed without incident for Kitten and me; and then on Monday, it was back to work.
Fortunately, I just happened to be passing through the living room en route to make myself some more coffee about half an hour before noon, when I saw a shiny metallic red SUV rolling through our parking lot.
It was too nice to belong to anyone who actually lives here; so I decided to stand there and see who it was.
A white guy...
Older—maybe mid-seventies...
And he's parking in the first spot, right outside our—
It was Richard, here to pick me up for lunch!
We had made the plans about a week prior; and, between all the tool pickups and deliveries, and hanging out with Joe, and so on and so forth, it had just sort of slipped my mind that I had an appointment on Monday.
I doubt Richard had even perceived that it took me an extra minute to come downstairs and outside...
We dined at Cancun—after a brief snafu with the host, who almost didn't want to let us in when he found out we were just two ordinary white guys.
The Cracker Barrel?
White Castle?
The Mayo Clinic?
After lunch, Richard and I went for our usual walk in Five Mile Woods...
When I got back home later, I was quickly reminded that a leisurely stroll through the forest is nothing next to an outing in the Amazon.
Here's a video I recorded of one of their delivery drivers: After first parking directly in front of our door and failing to get out of his vehicle at all before driving to the complete opposite end of the parking lot, he then...
- begins walking my package back across the lot on foot
- decides 70% of the way there that it's too far
- aborts the mission and turning around
- claims that he "attempted delivery" of my package but ran into an issue
But I don't pull any punches when it comes to people blatantly lying to me... which is why there's probably a note in my file at Amazon HQ, in big red bold letters...
He'll toss around the notion of canceling his Prime subscription, every single time.
He'll insist he's contemplating legal action about 37% of the time.
He may have even threatened to escalate a case all the way to the Supreme Court once.
Also, he's one of those rare geniuses who have somehow managed how to navigate our customer-[dis]service labyrinth and break through our AI to get to an actual human; so, if you're unlucky enough to get assigned a chat with him, just save yourself the headache and throw the bulldog a bone.
So...
I calmly explained that I had security-camera footage of the entire non-delivery delivery attempt, and reminded them that I don't appreciate being blatantly lied to.
Aaaand Amazon was remarkably quick to decide that they not only could have my package to me within 24 hours, but also give me a full refund on it.
And, you know what? That seems fair to me.
So, Amazon tried again this afternoon—this time a little harder...
...and, what do you know?
Deliveries work better when you get out of the damn van and hand over the damn package!