Mutatis Mutandis, et Memoriale Memoranda
Athennia renames herself and we finish out May with a number of mini adventures.
It seemed fitting for Athennia to take off from work the day after our wedding; so, we slept in Friday morning and had a lazy breakfast before heading up to Doylestown yet again...
Sadly, even "self-uniting" couldn't save us from the reality that you don't get to do anything in this world without begging permission from your masters:
It took $80 to grease the government's palm and get the ball rolling in the first place. And now that we'd had our lovely ceremony and declared our undying love for each other in front of our loved ones, we had to go hand in our permission slip to make it official.
But, yeah; what better way to kick off a marriage than a bureaucratic threesome with—hold on; what the hell's her name again?—Linda Bobrin, Esquire?
And, let's be honest: When you've made a career out of waking up every day to insert yourself into other people's personal affairs without their consent...?
You've failed as a human being. Get better soon.
On our way out, we accidentally got off the elevator a floor early when it stopped to let someone else on, and we ended up having a lovely conversation with an Irish prothonotary named Coleen.
...and still made it back to the parking garage within the hour, to keep the parking charge at its $1.00 minimum.
But then, once a society transcends that esteemed level of civility where the haves can tell the have-nots, "Hey! To hell with whatever you've got going on in your life right now! Get to the courthouse to perform the 'duty' we've unilaterally decided you're obligated to do!", I suppose that shaking someone down for a measly buck is a relatively minor offense at that point.
Anyway, that should be the end of my ranting—at least until we get to the Social Security office a few paragraphs from now ;)
After the courthouse, we headed out in search of a TD Bank—because Athennia still banks with TD, even though they're basically half a notch above Wells Fargo. (Like, "Yeah; we pull all the same shady crap that ol' Fargs does; but, at least we try to keep it classy and stick some butterscotch candies in the lobby for your kiddos to suck on.")
They move quickly, they've never charged me a fee for anything, and they're far and away the least-worst financial institution with whom I've had to interface.
They even got me up and running while I was living on foreign soil, when my old bank unceremoniously cut my access the moment my plane touched down in Grenada.
That bank was Simple, by the way. And they're dead now :)
So, we popped into a TD in Warminster so Athennia could deposit the check I gave her to pay off her debt. (I naively thought that my being there to show ID as the drawer of the check might somehow mitigate that pesky three-decade holding period before Athennia could make use of the funds. That turned out to be a laugh.)
Sit, Scuz! We'll tell you sometime next week when we're ready to let you use your own money!
In the meantime, you might be al Qaeda; so, we'll need to sit on this for a day or 10.
It was shaping up to be a pretty taxing afternoon, and we realized we were famished. We stopped and grabbed some well-deserved cheese steaks at Schiano's, and headed up the street to my parents' to eat them and say hi.
But within practically the blink of an eye, it was onward to the Social Security office in Fairless Hills—where we got to sit in a stuffy room with a rent-a-cop ensconced in a plexiglass fort to protect him from the unmasked normies.
His sole purpose seemed to be stopping anyone who tried to carry in a bottle of water. I literally did not see him do anything else in the 45 minutes we were there.
My God! You really are al Qaeda; aren't you?
Luckily, we were treated to this spectacle as we waited...
They look like a Kanye brainchild; don't they?
Yo, I'mma call 'em Flippers and charge $600 for them jawns!
Yo, I'mma be president too. Yo, vote for me, yo!
Once they finally called our number, the actual process of changing Athennia's name took literal seconds. We got a surprisingly friendly and competent clerk who would make a delightful human being, if he ever decides to exit the parasitic class and find meaningful and ethical work.
As a bonus, Athennia was finally able to fix her middle name, after four decades of having it misspelled:
It's supposed to be "Myrrhiah," but her mom accidentally wrote "Myrrhah" on the birth certificate. So, Athennia asked the guy if he could just pop an I in there to correct it while he was changing her last name, and he said no problem.
Who knew, kitten? All you had to do this whole time was get married :)
On Saturday, my Aunt Jill and Uncle Terry took a break from their farm out in Bendersville to come visit the family. It was long overdue: I hadn't seen them since 2018, and they'd never even met Olivia and Hannah!
I got to hang out with Hannah too :)
It was awesome getting to catch up with Jill and Terry, and we had a lovely (albeit too short) visit. But, they had a long drive home, and we had prior dinner plans with friends; so, we had to make the stay brief—but we promised to get out there to see them at our earliest convenience after Riley finishes school in a couple weeks :)
Then we met our friends Emily and Orlando at Applebees in Newtown and had a blast as we ate like kings...
By the three-hour mark, Riley's eyes had long since glazed over with boredom; so, we invited Em and O back to the apartment.
As we got up to leave, they spotted Crumbl Cookies across the parking lot... and, when Athennia and I professed to having no idea what that was, they insisted that they needed to make a pit stop and would meet us at our apartment soon.
So, this happened...
These cookies are about the size of dinner plates: We actually cut each one into six slices like a pizza. And they were amazing!
We hung out for a couple more hours, catching up and shooting the shit—since I'm pretty sure we hadn't seen Em and O since their Halloween party.
And, for being a total stranger to Penny, Orlando got far closer to her than most people are able to...
On Sunday, Riley went over to Lou's to hang out with Taylor and Ahlina.
So, with a free afternoon and no hard plans, Athennia and I took a short road trip up to Sellersville to check out a plot of land that had just come on the market a couple days prior...
Not too shabby. Allegedly, there's already a well and a septic system here, too—which would save us a hefty bit of cash, if they work.
As we were snapping pictures, I heard voices across the street and insisted that we take the opportunity to walk over and ask the neighbors if they could shed any light on the property's history.
But, the voices turned out to be a realtor showing his clients the house just across the street (which I'd had no idea was for sale, because I haven't been looking for houses).
The guy introduced himself as Angel and said he could probably answer all of our questions if we just sat tight for a minute while he got his clients into the house they were there to see; and then we exchanged pleasantries, gave him the gist of what we're looking for, and had an unexpectedly productive conversation... all completely by happenstance!
We're not exactly the superstitious type; but, you can't really get any more on the nose than a guy who's literally named Angel. Also, the only other Angel I've met personally is one of the owners of Las Margaritas—where we had just wed literal hours ago.
Was it a sign from God or a sentient universe?
Simple confirmation bias on our part?
I'll leave it to the reader to decide.
But, on the drive home, I said to Athennia, It's not like we had anyone else in mind, and it's not like he gets paid out of our pocket; so, what the hell? Why don't we see what he can do?
And I spent an hour on the phone with him the next afternoon to give him a complete rundown on what we're looking for, when, why, and where.
So, yeah; we've got ourselves a realtor now—completely by accident. And, despite having put off bothering with one for well over a month now (under the assumption that a realtor's just going to do all the same research I'd do myself; so, what's the point?), we're only a few days in with him and I'm already wondering how I managed to get by without him!
That guy's been doing a ton of work for us! We couldn't be any happier with him :)
In the meantime, Athennia's mom had texted on our way up to Sellersville...
Riley said you and Kevin got married. I know you don't care about me, but I wanted to say congratulations.
And it's why—even when I must've asked her 50 times if she was sure she didn't want to invite you and Taylor to our wedding—her eyes would tear up as she considered and reconsidered it, and she would finally shake her head no.
Athennia made it quite clear how much she cares about you (and Taylor) in her letter—even as she was walking away from you as a last resort! Your words and your conduct have simply been too deeply wounding, and too often incongruent with a healthy mother/daughter relationship.
So, yes; the problem is indeed that someone doesn't care about someone, but it sounds like you may have reversed the causation.
Needless to say, Athennia was totally blindsided by Lou's text. It took her more than 24 hours to recover enough to call her mother back in response—at which time Lou confessed that she apparently "never really cared for" me (which is weird, since we've interacted for maybe all of 10 minutes in the year and a half that Athennia and I have been together).
And, having seen just how shamelessly Athennia's immediate family had come to demand more and more from her (while remaining thoroughly ungrateful and taking her increasingly for granted with each passing day), I can't honestly say I've ever really cared all that much for Lou either.
So, I suppose that makes us even.
But, guess what, Lou? And Taylor? And Sandy? And Kevin and Oscar on their behalf?
You're more than welcome to scapegoat me for that if you'd like. No hard feelings! I imagine I'd be pissed too, if I'd made it my mission to stay in Neverland forever but then suddenly had to grow up.
Your conduct towards your daughter, your mother, your sister, your niece, my wife was atrocious long before I ever came into the picture; and the last thing I'll ever do is apologize for being the one person in her corner... or for my family having shown her what a loving—and I daresay pretty normal—family looks like.
But, ambivalent as I am on the matter, I hope for her sake that Athennia will one day have at least some semblance of a meaningful relationship with her mother and her daughter again.
However you want to slice it though, we're already running a household, and we're not trying to be on the hook for funding another one—much less one comprising full-fledged adults!
Judge us for that as you will. Whine about it if you'd like. But, we've made the most sensible decisions for our household; and our friends and my family (as well as PA state law) unanimously agree with our position.
Meanwhile, on my side of the family tree, my Aunt Lois published a children's book recently; and she mailed us a copy with a beautiful inscription...
Tuesday afternoon, I had lunch with my friend Richard at Cancun. (No, not that Cancun: It's a Mexican restaurant a few miles down the street from the apartment.)
He and his wife have a sizable tract of land in a relatively remote location—which is what Athennia and I are looking for—so I spent most of lunch hitting him with a barrage of questions septic systems and other mealtime-friendly whatnottery ;)
Then nothing particularly noteworthy happened for a few days, until—
PENNY, LOOK ALIVE; IT'S PICTURE TIME!
Okay, all finished. Go back to sleep.
Saturday, we drove out to East Greenville to check out yet another property—this one just shy of four acres.
Halfway there, we got stuck behind this gem...
Then we passed a building that seems deliberately designed to look like it's made of Minecraft blocks...
And finally, we arrived at our destination...
The back half is in the 100-year floodplain, but there's more than enough slope to stick a house on the front half and feel confident walking around without a lifejacket.
When we got back to our area, we stopped by my parents' house to help them open their pool and then ordered some takeout for dinner.
Somehow we managed to get zero pictures of this :/
Sunday was a proverbial day of rest; and then, on Monday, we headed over to Pete and Alissa's house for my cousin Ellie's fifth birthday party.
We didn't know half the people there; so, we didn't go too crazy with the picture-taking. But, here's Ellie blowing out her candles, with Pete, Alissa, and Liam nearby; Kelly off to the left; Riley and my cousin Alexis hanging out just behind Alissa; and my cousin Dave all the way in the back...
Liv was really digging the ice cream cake, and my cousin Crawford crashed the electrifying game of cornhole Athennia and I were playing under the power towers...
Proof that 13-year-olds aren't too cool to play Duck Duck Goose...
Then Riley, Alexis, Natalie, and Kayla squared up for some shockingly competitive cornhole while my cousin Dave kept score...
Athennia and I were glad that Riley and Alexis seemed to hit it off so well, despite having not seen each other since Thanksgiving...
Later that evening, Athennia and Riley went out to try to see some fireworks along the river...
And on Wednesday, Athennia got fired!
(Not that kind of fired! Jeez; they just gave her a raise. They love her there!)
She was the first one to arrive at work, and walked in to find this smoldering mulch fire...
Naturally, she stopped.
And dropped.
And rolled.
But, her heroic deed earned her a shoutout from the CEO herself in a company-wide email...
...and a crisp $20 to buy herself lunch as a thank-you for saving the entire multi-million dollar company from burning to the ground.
"Thanks for saving the universe! Here's a 7-Eleven hot dog that's been sitting on the rollers for 36 hours."
(In all seriousness though, Athennia was very touched by the gesture.)
Later that night, we summoned Angel to look at a property: I'm normally fine going clandestinely to check things out on our own...
(Why leak any entropy to the opposition—even if it is just having Angel alert the seller's agent that we're heading out to take a look?)
...but, in this case, the lot was at the end of a cul-de-sac with several other houses close enough in proximity that someone might've seen us.
This one was only half an acre, which really isn't what we're looking for. But, it's also within two miles of both my parents' house and my sister's; so, we decided it was worth checking out just for that.
I insisted that we didn't want Angel driving all the way down from Quakertown just to walk the lot with us for all of two minutes; but, he assured me it was no big deal.
So, he drove all the way here in rush hour... just to tell us as we all arrived that there was no point in any of us coming out after all, because the property had gone under contract as of about an hour before. (In other words, literally as he and we were getting in our cars to head over.)
But, we ended up standing there in the cul-de-sac to have a 45-minute powwow with him about our current front runners in light of recent developments; so, it wasn't a total loss...
(Just a mostly loss.)
Here's hoping June might bring us The One :)